Author: Just Mai 2 Cents

Music, disability, healing, creativity, humor, and honest reflections — one day at a time.

Why?

Featured by Just Mai 2 Cents, posted in autoimmune diseases

I was having a conversation with my friend the other day and he was saying he doesn’t ask “why” about the painful things that he’s been through in life. I, on the other hand, am different. I am grateful for the “why”. It is always revealed to me eventually. No matter how horrible the experience, there has always seemed to be a purpose to my pain that has helped me to help others and become a better and more compassionate person. I would not be who I am today without each painful and sometimes traumatic experience I’ve been through in my life.

Things like childhood sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, mental and physical illness. It would be easy to sit in place of self-pity and anger indefinitely asking “why” from a negative and bitter place. After keeping things bottled up for years I started to become more vocal about what I’d been through. In my personal life, women young and old, started to disclose to me their stories. Many of them had never disclosed to another person ever. They felt comfortable because they knew I understood. If I’d kept it to myself, maybe some of them would never have told another living soul. That is so much to carry on your own. I’m glad that my openness about my pain allowed them a safe space to disclose their own. I am happy for that “why”.

I also started doing public speaking. Largely to high school students about my challenges with mental health. I learned that sometimes in just naming an experience, not even going into detail, it can have so much power. I spoke mainly about bipolar mania because I find it quite fascinating. I briefly mentioned that I’ve had suicidal thoughts since the age of 13. That was it! Just from that statement many people came up to the social worker working with me and disclosed that they had suicidal thoughts. Some had a plan to attempt even that week. Some came up with their friends to support them. All of these people chose to get help simply because I stated my truth? That is powerful. I noticed a similar type of openness to disclose when adults find out that I’m a DV (domestic violence) survivor. I’m grateful for those “whys” having been revealed to me.

I also find I’m a lot more understanding and compassionate for people with other kinds of painful experiences. I feel that’s one of the things that makes us human. We’ve all experienced pain, be it emotional, physical or mental. I don’t feel I have to have had the same pain as someone to connect with them. I too have had pain before.

I then worked for almost 15 years in the mental health field. People thought I was so good at my job and at connecting with the clients because I had a mental health illness also. This would irritate me. We were not the same because of mental health issues.. We were the same because we were human and we’ve all had struggles and pain. That’s it! There’s no secret formula. Look at the clients as human beings because that’s what they are. People react well when your approach is that we’re the same.. we’re both human. It’s not rocket science.

I’m happy that I had become very comfortable talking about difficult and sensitive issues from my own life as well as with others over the years. Also for having had so much therapy and recognizing the importance of boundaries. Those things were very helpful in helping my clients. I’m happy for those “whys”. When I went through therapy it was not only for my own wellbeing, it helped in the ease with which I was able to interact with clients.

So maybe instead of “why” we can think “how”. How has this painful event impacted my life in a positive way? How can I use it to help someone else or impact the world in a positive way? How has this made me a better person?

Have a good week my lovelies,

NAZ

Hope for non-powerhouse singers

by Just Mai 2 Cents, posted in autoimmune diseases

Well the time has come! As a black singer there were a group of us with low confidence and self-esteem when it came to singing. Whitney was the benchmark for singing and if you didn’t have a powerful southern gospel voice you sometimes felt a little inadequate. I did anyway, and so did a number of my friends.

Someone once said to me “you can learn how to do vocal gymnastics for days but your tone, you’re stuck with. Either you were blessed with a nice tone or you weren’t. NAZ you have a very beautiful tone.” I never really appreciated at the time, just kept beating myself up for not having a voice like Whitney or Arerha Franklin.

But not there are artists like H.E.R. who are mainstream and sound more like me! Mellow, Sultry with these beautiful tones. Really different writing styles also. I’m just so happy to hear some more diversity.

Who knows maybe you should look out for N.A.Z. because there seems to be a place where I fit in now.

Enjoy your weekend my lovelies.

N.A.Z.

Reason for Name Change

by Just Mai 2 Cents, posted in autoimmune diseases

Well previously my sign off name was AQ. I changed it to NAZ. where did that come from? I met a Hindi speaking person and they were saying the name Na-soo-ria meant life and sunshine in Hindi. I have yet to find the correct spelling anywhere but I like it. I spelled it with a “z” and go by Naz for short. Later N.A.Z. Became an acronym for “not anybody’s zero”. I’m frequently underestimated and dismissed because of my disabilities and because certain people expect nothing much, I’m then labelled as “high functioning”. I also hate that term but can’t think of a way to articulate what “high/low” functioning means without actually using those words. I’m open to suggestions.

Anyhoo that’s that.

Have a wonderful week my lovelies,

NAZ

Compassion from the Crazies

by Just Mai 2 Cents, posted in autoimmune diseases

First of all assume “crazies” is spelled with quotations. I jokingly said I wanted to reclaim the words “crazy”, “insane” and “nuts” the way some black people have reclaimed the “n” word. Of course it is meant to be understood that those words are in quotations. And can only be spoken by those who fall into the category of having “lived experience” with a mental illness. I hate the terms lived experience and consumer survivor. Call a damn spade a spade I say. I have since found out that my trailblazing mentor, who has since passed, was trying to reclaim those words as well! My grandmother always said “great minds think alike… and fools seldom differ” hahaha. My mentor was definitely a great mind. I use them jokingly among my village of supporters sometimes. It lightens the mood a little sometimes.

Anyway, when I was in the hospital there was a patient who didn’t speak the same language as me very fluently. I had issues with not having an appetite and not eating. They noticed and would often motion me to come closer and give me a piece of food and watch closely until I ate it. It was actually a beautiful exchange. One “crazy” person clear enough to see, in the midst of their own psychosis, that I would benefit from a piece of banana and not to offer me the whole thing because it was just too much at the time.

Sometimes that same person would motion for me to lie down because I was becoming too overstimulated and needed a break. That touched my heart.

We’re more than just our illness.

Take care my lovelies,

Naz

Being Under-medicated is an issue too?!

by Just Mai 2 Cents, posted in autoimmune diseases

Well my friends it’s been a while since I’ve written. It’s been crazy literally and figuratively! I’m going to give an overview of what happened in this blog and then I’ll create other blog posts that are related to experiences that let up to this situation.

I’m not going to reread the previous blog posts at this point because I may find them painful or triggering. There may be some repetition. My grandmother always said “repetition is good for emphasis” so let’s pretend it’s deliberate and I’m emphasizing lol.

So I likely mentioned the fact that I was on a benzodiazepine called clonazepam. It’s fine when prescribed as PRN (take as needed) that how I took it for years. Sometimes only twice in a month sometimes twice in a year. But due to doctor prescribed discontinuation of another medication I ended up going through withdrawal starting June 2019. I’m still experiencing the effects to this day. My doctor left (a whole other blog coming on that later) after putting on 3 x 0.5 mg of clonazepam daily as opposed to 1 x 0.5 mg as needed. The reason for this was the withdrawal from the initial medication created chemically induced insomnia, anger, anxiety on steroids that I’d never experienced before, nightmares and “weird” dreams and my PTSD was in high gear as well.

Eventually, 7 months of taking the 1.5 mg of clonazepam daily (really not supposed to be more than 1-2 months (whole blog coming on that) a got with a psychiatrist that was slowly taking me off.

I ended up going to the hospital voluntarily not because I thought I was delusional but I knew things were off with my sleep and my meds. My pharmacist and the in patient psychiatrist both agreed that the psychiatrist had me on 2 little clonazepam and that was the cause for all of my symptoms. Had this been a bipolar episode I would have been in the hospital for months. Not 5 days. I experienced true psychosis and it scared me to death.

Sooooo much more to say on this and I will. But I’m super tired.

Take care my lovelies,

Naz (I’ll explain the name change later)