Category: Covid-19

Why I Hate Valentine’s Day

by N.A.Z., posted in Health

**Trigger Warning**

To many, Valentine’s Day is a wonderful time of year. But to me it’s a horrible anniversary of one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me in my life. Believe me, that speaks volumes because my life has been absolutely horrible at times. I do acknowledge that it hasn’t all been horrible, but a lot of it was.

Someone I had just broken up with committed a horrible and violent act (I try to stay from using the “R” word but I’m sure it’s understood. Sorry if that triggered anyone) and as I was leaving he said “happy Valentine’s Day.”Really!?!?

So for most the words “happy Valentine’s Day” or “happy love day” as one friend said to me.. are lovely, but more often than not, they are incredibly triggering for me. Those words do not conjure up thoughts of love and happiness, rather nausea, anxiety, fear, a sense of being unsafe, confusion, racing heart beat, sweaty palms and flashbacks. When someone says those words in my mind I’m like “thanks, you just triggered me even though it’s totally not your fault because who would have guessed the horror I’ve been through. And that I easily could have died that day?” but I straighten my mask (that has practically adhered to my face by now,) and say “thanks same to you” rinse and repeat.

But it’s not just people saying it to me. Do you know how difficult it is when one of the worst and most frightening times of your life is marked by a commercial and international fuckin holiday?! Come on!! Really tho?! Displays in every store, commercials. I can’t even watch the women’s channel for the whole month of February because that’s the them of everything. I like the corny movies on the women’s network!! Don’t judge lol. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, emails. Like this toll highway even sent me an email with Valentine’s Day wishes. There’s no escaping it.

So how was my day yesterday? Triggering AF! Partially because I’m already struggling with depression mainly brought on by severe chronic physical pain, so I was too weak to put on my armour. I was all vulnerable and exposed. Dammit! I was ok last year. But Valentine’s Day was nowhere near where my trauma began. So obviously I started to think of many other traumatic things that resulted in my PTSD. I’m lying in bed because that’s the most comfortable I can be in terms of my physical pain, but it’s one of the worst things you can do for trauma or depression. So do I lie in bed to help my physical pain, or get up to help my emotional pain. Keeping in mind that an increase in physical pain feeds the depression. Hmmmm another Catch 22 how does one make a decision like that?? Why should one have to make a decision like that?! That’s my life people!

I hope everyone else had a happy Valentine’s Day! Love is a wonderful thing.. or so I’ve heard hahaha just kidding.

Have a wonderful weekend my lovelies,

AQ

Why do some of my doctors seem like they graduated from clown college?!?! My life is riddled with catch 22s..

by N.A.Z., posted in Health

Where to begin? I have back problems and I’m supposed to see a neurosurgeon. Apparently there’s only 1 neurosurgeon in Canada because you can wait over a year to see one. For those of you who are not from Canada, that was an exaggeration. There is definitely more than one but the wait is soooooo long it feels like there’s only 1.

So I had to have a CT scan of my spine before I can even see the neurosurgeon. The summary that I got back was very poorly written with a lot of grammatical errors.. because apparently he went to the same clown college as many other specialists I’ve seen. Basically it said there was nothing surgical. My family doctor said the neurosurgeon might not even agree to see me from those results because surgeons… like to do surgery. Then he asked if anyone had been following my scoliosis (spinal fusion, rod, screws, hooks, constant pain for 30 years.. and I’m only 40, degenerative disc disease, Costochondritis and osteoarthritis). So again.. my family doctor of over 20 years asks me who’s following my scoliosis. I said no one (because it was my family doctor that should have set that up and I didn’t even know someone was supposed to be following it). I asked “who is supposed to be following my scoliosis” to which he replied “a neurosurgeon”. What?!?! You just told me the neurosurgeon will probably not see me because I’m non surgical… but I’m supposed to have him follow my scoliosis.. but he won’t see me because I’m non surgical?! Did he actually hear the words that came out of his mouth?! Yup! Another clown college graduate! Catch 22.

So I have a lot of inflammation in my back to the point where specialists can see the inflammation. Hmmmm an anti inflammatory would be very helpful.. oh wait.. can’t have those because they interact with the lithium I take for my bipolar disorder. All the specialists are like “you can’t take anti inflammatories?!?!?!? Wow that’s so unfortunate because it’s so bad I can see the inflammation.. what a predicament” another catch 22. In what world was what they said at all helpful or supportive? Clown college.

I have cystic acne from the lithium I have to take. But, yay I can’t take any of the acne medications or antibiotics because of the very lithium that’s causing the damn acne in the first place. Catch 22

I’m in severe constant pain. Hmmm maybe pain killers would be helpful.. wait only opiates and narcotics work and they trigger my mental health episodes and that’s why I was hospitalized the last time after 10 years of stability. So really?! I have to make a choice between pain relief and sanity?! Are you kidding me?! Who should ever have to make a choice like that? Catch 22

I’m in so much pain I spend 20 hours lying down in bed. I also have depression from burnout from work and the physical pain. But wait.. what’s one of the worst things you can do if you have depression??.. lying in bed all day.. but I have to or I suffer in a severe way. Catch 22.

The other thing is, my psychiatrist has been on medical Leave since August 2019!!! I hope he’s ok and all but what a time to go! What about my needs. Just kidding. I worry about him so much because I have no idea what’s wrong. Been with him 15 years so he knows my whole life. Some of my family. I really get the feeling he’s never coming back so I won’t even get to say goodbye and tell him how wonderful and life saving he’s been.

Wow. I know there are more catch 22s but I can’t remember because that’s another side effect of my medication. Hahahaha. So I spend a lot of time laughing to myself at the sheer absurdity of it all and then I just look like the “crazy” girl laughing to herself and it makes me laugh harder.

Even through it doesn’t seem like it I do try to find an upside to a situation. I’m glad I can’t take prescription narcotics or opiates because they’re addictive. A substance abuse issue is something I’m glad is not one of my issues because I’ve seen it destroy people’s lives. Also the anti inflammatories you can’t take for long periods of time because they destroy your stomach lining. Who wants that? Plus when I had that morphine pump in the hospital for my surgery I liked it a little too much and I’m glad I didn’t have access to more. It felt realllllllllly good. I was 13 at the time and I sensed it was potentially dangerous. Like I will never forget how wonderful a feeling it gave me. It did give me nightmares of being chased by giant killer bees though. Still afraid of bees because I’ve never been stung so how do I know I’m not going to have an anaphylactic reaction until it happens?!?!

Also for some reason I have exessive thirst. Like I can easily drink 4 L or a gallon of water and be so thirsty like I haven’t had water in days. The doctors response to this is blaming it on the dry mouth that’s caused by my medications. There other response is “maybe you have diabetes because high blood sugar can cause excessive thirst”. Ok that actually makes sense. So they proceeded to repeatedly test my blood sugar at least 7 times since the summer of 2018. Ok guys.. I think we know what’s NOT cause the excessive thirst. It ‘s not diabetes. I don’t know.. maybe you could try testing for…. I don’t know… something other than diabetes? I mean that medical text book is huge.. there must be something else you can test for. Clown college graduates again. Here’s a clue IT’s NOT DIABETES!!! The other thing with the water consumption is I have to drink a lot of water and try not to get dehydrated or I could get what’s called lithium toxicity. Oh yes the lithium I’ve been taking to help me for 15 years is literally toxic (and can ruin your kidneys). If the levels get too high in your system (from not drinking enough water) you can get what’s called lithium toxicity and actually die! Oh great! That does wonders for my anxiety. But the catch 22 is my doctor said if I drink too much water it can dilute the lithium and decrease it’s effects! What?! I have excessive thirst! I continuously feel like I haven’t had water in weeks I’m so thirsty. And now you’re telling me to limit my water intake but just make sure I have enough so I don’t die?! This is literally insane!!!!! (Just an aside I feel I should be able to reclaim the words crazy and insane like some people have done with another word starting with “N” that Becky and Bret can’t say. But I can. I’ll leave it at that.

I worry about a lot of things (generalized anxiety disorder) but that’s another story for another post.

So there we have it! There are so many other things I’m dealing with it’s ridiculous. And I really laugh sometimes. My grandmother always used to “it’s better to laugh than to cry”

Have a wonderful weekend my lovelies. Be kind because you never know what someone is going through. Depression can hide behind the brightest smiles.

AQ

How not to be a douche to people with visible disabilities!

by N.A.Z., posted in Health

So sometimes I walk with a cane. I have severe back pain. A cane is considered an assistive device (so is a wheel chair, shower stool, toilet rails, crutches etc. There are many more but you get the point)

My cane is what makes my physical disability visible. Without it you would have no idea I had a problem unless I told you. I think in general people mean well but sometimes they don’t know when they’re being unsupportive, intrusive or insensitive. For instance some doors are heavy for me to open and I can’t tell you the number of times people have been so busy staring at my cane that they let the door slam in my face. Thanks! I appreciated that so much. (That was dripping with sarcasm and disdain in case you didn’t catch that)

People will stare at me and my cane looking me up and down as though I can’t see them. Like you know this is not a white cane for the visually impaired right?! I saw you, see me, see you and you’re still looking. That’s so frickin rude! When you’re like five you learn not to stare. Guy you’re like a 50 year old hard back man. You should know better!

In their defence I think people are curious because I’m young and a little stylish. I don’t walk with a limp so it’s like they’re confused or something. Some people will come up to me and say “oh did you hurt your leg? I hurt my knee once, it was bad” on a good day I can appreciate that they’re trying to show empathy and compassion. But on a bad day talking about my condition is the last thing I want to do and I think how dare they. Like if I was bald from chemo would I want everyone coming up to me saying “how’s the cancer? My aunt had cancer, what kind do you have?” Like maybe you don’t want to talk about the damn illness. What gives people the right?? Like what if I just walked up to someone and said “how’s your anal leakage? I hear it can be bad sometimes…” or wow that really looks like a herpes sore on your lip, hope you notified all your partners” like I’m exaggerating to make a point. But wouldn’t that be ridiculous?!

Then I’ll be in a store here that sells assistive devices and I’ll end up talking to someone in their 80s that either smells like bengay or urine.. let’s be real. So first they assume I’m buying the devices for my mother or grandmother. I’m like nope it’s for me, chronic back pain and they say “no you’re too young to have back pain” to me that is the most insane reaction. I think to myself “yeah bitch I’m 40 years old and I want fuckin handle bars around my toilet for the fun of it!” But I don’t say that I say “well I do soooooo I’m not sure where we go from here” I say it half joklingly and they’re not sure if they should laugh or feel uncomfortable.

People have been making this comment to me since I was 11 years old when the chronic pain started. Yup! 30 years of pain everyday. It wasn’t this bad when I was younger. It’s degenerative. But what do you say as an 11 year old when an adult says you’re too young to be experiencing the pain you’re having? So frickin annoying.

If one more person tells me all I need is vitamin A or B12!!!!!!!! In my mind I throat punch people for that kind of idiocy. Don’t worry I’d never physically hurt someone in real life I’m more of a danger to myself than anyone else. Depression…. a story for another day.

I just can’t get over the staring as though you can’t see them. I only use my cane when it’s really bad. I purposely don’t use it at work because my clients, who have mental illness, they get so concerned. I’m touched that they are so compassionate but then it takes the focus off them and that shouldn’t happen. They ask me a million and one questions and make all these suggestions. When they make suggestions like “take vitamin B12” or “try naproxen I take that” it doesn’t bother me at all. I think it’s sweet because they don’t want me to be in pain. But I found it was too much of a distraction so I stopped using it at work. Staff used to stare also but it was more with a look of pity and I hated that.

So stop staring at people with disabilities. We’re people too. We can feel awkward and uncomfortable when we’re stared at. How would you like it? Just think about that. And if you did have anal leakage would you want someone to come up and ask you about it in the middle of Walmart?!?! Or your erectile dysfunction, irritable bowel syndrome, STDs. That likely never happens because your issues are invisible. Don’t treat people poorly just because they have things that are visible is all I’m saying. Hold a damn door open fuck! Now there are many considerate and helpful people. This is not directed at you and I thank you for your thoughtfulness, your warm smiles and wishing me a nice day. You don’t know how much those things can mean to a person. Especially with depression on top of everything else. Little things can mean so much to people. You never know what someone might be going through.

Just treat people how you would want to be treated… unless you’re a masochist. Treat someone the way you would want your mother to be treated.. unless she abandoned you and is a raging bitch. But you get what I mean. Don’t be a douche is what I’m saying.

That’s mai 2 cents!

Have a wonderful weekend my lovelies!

AQ

Why I started this blog

Featured by N.A.Z., posted in Health

If you knew how long it took me to set up this damn blog! Not that it’s hard because I set one up in a few hours a couple years ago. But because I’m on some medication that makes my brain foggy. It just doesn’t work sometimes. People don’t believe me when I say my brain is not working because I guess I’m too damn high functioning for someone with a visible disability AND an invisible disability (generally I like my disabilities to be invisible and my suffering to be in silence the way it was meant to be!). I know some of you were like “invisible?” what’s that? some may even have wondered if people with disabilities have super powers. I’m telling you right now that we don’t (while I’m nodding my head in a clear yes!”) Don’t tell. We have meetings on Wednesdays at 6:30.. We’re trying to take over the world…. dammit I let it slip. Well we’re all friends here so I’m sure you won’t let the cat out of the bag. Where do some of these sayings come from anyway? Why was the cat even in the damn bag to begin with? And why do people tell you to drink “fluids” when you’re sick. Like “oh I was straight up drinking sand and paper this whole time. You saved my life!”

Anyway I digress. Happens a lot when the pain is so bad you can’t think straight. As a result of the pain as I said in the about me section I’ve been lying in bed like 20 hours a day since December. I was working before that but still in pain. So Netflix is great and all but I’m bored AF and I have cabin fever. So I always have things to say and I found people were really enjoying my posts that I wrote on facebook so that is how this blog came about. Unfortunately lately I have been swearing like a sailor so if that offends anyone.. move on to someone else’s blog because I really don’t give 2 fucks! (joking). Where did that saying come from?.. Like someone decided that 1 fuck wasn’t enough?? I really wonder about things sometimes. That’s what you do when you’re in bed all day and fairly isolated. I never really used to swear. There are so many other interesting words in the English language. Like saying troglodyte instead of asshole is quite liberating. But for some reason the swearing is so freeing right now. I’ll try to tone it down. But some times an “f” bomb is the only choice. You know what I mean?

It’s so frustrating because all I like to do is help people. My clients at work, my friends and family, strangers. I love helping people and now I’m the one that needs the help. So difficult for me to receive but I’m grateful that I even have so many people that love me enough that they’re willing to help. I’m truly blessed but at the same time in pain so I’m super bitter and irritable and even more sarcastic sometimes.

Once I was at a clients house and she said “oh you forgot to zip up your boots” I was like “nope it’s not happening today I’ve reached my threshold for bending already” and that was that. Nothing is worse than having to wait as your mother zips up your boots before you go out (that’s a lie there are MANY worse things! I’ve been through a lot of them). But Im grateful she’s so glad to help. I’m 40 so I just feel so shitty that my “mommy” even has to do it but I’m glad someone is willing to do it. Some people have no one but I’m surrounded by a lot of love. Truly grateful for that.

My chiropractor said if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all! Specialists are frequently shocked at the fact that I’m able to function with such high degrees of pain. But I’m the type of person where you could be like “AQ, your leg just fell off” and I’ll be like “I know, pay no attention to the gaping wound, I have another leg I’ll just use that and hop. I feel like there’s someone that needs love or help somewhere.. that’s more important.. I’ll worry about my stuffering later”

And that’s the problem. Later never comes. Then things just get worse and worse. I can’t keep helping people or worrying about others needs to my own detriment.. Remember I said I’m 40.. Apparently it takes a while for things to sink in sometimes because I’m still resisting that lesson.

THat’s it for now. I’ve been sitting in an uncomfortable position for a while. Bet you’re somewhat curious about the nature of my disabilities. Or maybe you’re not and I hope you get mauled by wild racoons! Just kidding. It doesn’t matter to me. Even if no one reads this, that’s not the point. I can imagine that lots of people are reading it and it’s just as good. It’s therapeutic I find. So read, don’t read, won’t twist my knickers! Again, where do these sayings come from?!?!?! If you do read it thank you and I really appreciate that.. Truly.

Have a wonderful weekend my lovelies,

AQ