Tag: ptsd

Why I Hate Valentine’s Day

by N.A.Z., posted in Health

**Trigger Warning**

To many, Valentine’s Day is a wonderful time of year. But to me it’s a horrible anniversary of one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me in my life. Believe me, that speaks volumes because my life has been absolutely horrible at times. I do acknowledge that it hasn’t all been horrible, but a lot of it was.

Someone I had just broken up with committed a horrible and violent act (I try to stay from using the “R” word but I’m sure it’s understood. Sorry if that triggered anyone) and as I was leaving he said “happy Valentine’s Day.”Really!?!?

So for most the words “happy Valentine’s Day” or “happy love day” as one friend said to me.. are lovely, but more often than not, they are incredibly triggering for me. Those words do not conjure up thoughts of love and happiness, rather nausea, anxiety, fear, a sense of being unsafe, confusion, racing heart beat, sweaty palms and flashbacks. When someone says those words in my mind I’m like “thanks, you just triggered me even though it’s totally not your fault because who would have guessed the horror I’ve been through. And that I easily could have died that day?” but I straighten my mask (that has practically adhered to my face by now,) and say “thanks same to you” rinse and repeat.

But it’s not just people saying it to me. Do you know how difficult it is when one of the worst and most frightening times of your life is marked by a commercial and international fuckin holiday?! Come on!! Really tho?! Displays in every store, commercials. I can’t even watch the women’s channel for the whole month of February because that’s the them of everything. I like the corny movies on the women’s network!! Don’t judge lol. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, emails. Like this toll highway even sent me an email with Valentine’s Day wishes. There’s no escaping it.

So how was my day yesterday? Triggering AF! Partially because I’m already struggling with depression mainly brought on by severe chronic physical pain, so I was too weak to put on my armour. I was all vulnerable and exposed. Dammit! I was ok last year. But Valentine’s Day was nowhere near where my trauma began. So obviously I started to think of many other traumatic things that resulted in my PTSD. I’m lying in bed because that’s the most comfortable I can be in terms of my physical pain, but it’s one of the worst things you can do for trauma or depression. So do I lie in bed to help my physical pain, or get up to help my emotional pain. Keeping in mind that an increase in physical pain feeds the depression. Hmmmm another Catch 22 how does one make a decision like that?? Why should one have to make a decision like that?! That’s my life people!

I hope everyone else had a happy Valentine’s Day! Love is a wonderful thing.. or so I’ve heard hahaha just kidding.

Have a wonderful weekend my lovelies,

AQ

Dangerous Work Environments in Mental Health and the Company Gives us a Rape Whistle as Protection?!

by N.A.Z., posted in Mental Health Field

I work in mental health and I want to start out by saying right now I’m not talking about safety from the clients. It’s the dangerous neighbourhoods and buildings we have to enter to visit said clients that are the issue. For some of the buildings there are stupid rules like “that building has a lot of shootings and violence so just don’t go after 3pm” Da Fuk?!?! How about we don’t go into that building at all?!?! Like bullets can’t fly before 3pm?!? Are you smoking the crack we advise out clients not to smoke?! Must be..

Then to prepare us they make us take a mandatory course where they teach us de-escalation techniques which makes sense. But the thing that gets me is they teach us this stance so we can move away quickly. We’re not allowed to use and real self defence that could hurt the client or whoever.. but at least we know the stance to get away quickly (that comment was filled with sarcasm and disdain in case you missed it).. and if we don’t get away quickly enough we have the rape whistle with the company logo on it so we can play a soundtrack as we bleed out on the floor.. Are you kidding me?! Not allowed to use tasers (I think they’re illegal unless you’re law enforcement) no pepper spray either.. I think it’s banned.

We visit clients by ourselves. Many of my friends and family were shocked at this. Even Jehovah’s witnesses travel in pairs and they rarely if ever go inside the home. Safety in in numbers people.

I was attacked by a client once and it really triggered my PTSD (that I already had). The next day when I went to work they acted like they cared but quickly had me sign something saying I would not take legal action against the company. I was so confused. Hadn’t even thought about that and didn’t know what my rights were.. I was still messed up from the day before. My whole body was shaking and I could barely hold the pen. They were doing what they needed to do for liability issues but I thought that was messed up. Then the other slap in the face. I was denied long term disability because I had a “pre-existing” condition. Ain’t that some bullshit?! Someone recently told me I had a valid case and could have appealed. The same agency that’s like if you have lived experience (with a mental illness) we welcome you to apply.. I guess the part they don’t say is if you relapse with said mental illness you’re on your own.. Deuces!!!

That being said my coworkers are phenomenal and compassionate, skilled group of individuals. Always willing to answer my questions (and I have many). Always willing to help out their fellow coworkers. We are all compassionate about helping the clients but unfortunately there are so many political, system and administrative issues that make it more difficult for us to do that. It’s the clients that suffer. I just want to help people dammit. Why is it so hard?!

Anyway I’ve learned so much! I have a degree in psychology but this work has really enriched my knowledge about mental health and the system. The “wonderful” system.

Sometimes there’s just not enough time to do everything. If you want to spend quality time with clients sometimes you just don’t take a break. That is not enforce the company but the time has to come from somewhere. That being said I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world but sometimes you have to recognize your limitations and when it’s time to move on from something. When I heard so of the married workers at the agency saying they were so exhausted by the time they got home they couldn’t even get off the couch or interact with their spouse or children. That’s not ok for me.. That is not a life I want.

So I will always be grateful for the experiences, opportunity and privilege of working with and getting to know the clients. But I really gotta keep it moving.

Have a great weekend my lovelies,

AQ