**Trigger Warning**
To many, Valentine’s Day is a wonderful time of year. But to me it’s a horrible anniversary of one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me in my life. Believe me, that speaks volumes because my life has been absolutely horrible at times. I do acknowledge that it hasn’t all been horrible, but a lot of it was.
Someone I had just broken up with committed a horrible and violent act (I try to stay from using the “R” word but I’m sure it’s understood. Sorry if that triggered anyone) and as I was leaving he said “happy Valentine’s Day.”Really!?!?
So for most the words “happy Valentine’s Day” or “happy love day” as one friend said to me.. are lovely, but more often than not, they are incredibly triggering for me. Those words do not conjure up thoughts of love and happiness, rather nausea, anxiety, fear, a sense of being unsafe, confusion, racing heart beat, sweaty palms and flashbacks. When someone says those words in my mind I’m like “thanks, you just triggered me even though it’s totally not your fault because who would have guessed the horror I’ve been through. And that I easily could have died that day?” but I straighten my mask (that has practically adhered to my face by now,) and say “thanks same to you” rinse and repeat.
But it’s not just people saying it to me. Do you know how difficult it is when one of the worst and most frightening times of your life is marked by a commercial and international fuckin holiday?! Come on!! Really tho?! Displays in every store, commercials. I can’t even watch the women’s channel for the whole month of February because that’s the them of everything. I like the corny movies on the women’s network!! Don’t judge lol. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, emails. Like this toll highway even sent me an email with Valentine’s Day wishes. There’s no escaping it.
So how was my day yesterday? Triggering AF! Partially because I’m already struggling with depression mainly brought on by severe chronic physical pain, so I was too weak to put on my armour. I was all vulnerable and exposed. Dammit! I was ok last year. But Valentine’s Day was nowhere near where my trauma began. So obviously I started to think of many other traumatic things that resulted in my PTSD. I’m lying in bed because that’s the most comfortable I can be in terms of my physical pain, but it’s one of the worst things you can do for trauma or depression. So do I lie in bed to help my physical pain, or get up to help my emotional pain. Keeping in mind that an increase in physical pain feeds the depression. Hmmmm another Catch 22 how does one make a decision like that?? Why should one have to make a decision like that?! That’s my life people!
I hope everyone else had a happy Valentine’s Day! Love is a wonderful thing.. or so I’ve heard hahaha just kidding.
Have a wonderful weekend my lovelies,
AQ
Just Mai 2 Cents 