Author: N.A.Z.

Positive/Negative things that have come out of Covid in My Life

by N.A.Z., posted in coronavirus, Covid-19

I’m starting out with something negative that enrages me! I noticed on google and on people’s websites there have been no changes made as to whether companies are open/closed during the covid era. I understand that this is the first global pandemic and it’s new for everyone. Maybe making changes on google about your hours etc and you website is more difficult that I realized,, But you can’t update you damn voicemail to inform us whether your’e open during covid, closed during covid and if you ARE open what your new hours of operation are!! How fricken hard is that? You can change your voicemail remotely from home. Incredibly inconsiderate and unprofessional. Then you go to a store and it says it’s open until 9pm.. You get there and see that it close at 5pm. The only reason I know that is because I went to the physical location and saw the typed sign in the window. Why can’t you put that in your voicemail?? My friend has since told me that people are updating things like that on their instagram. How the heck was I supposed to know that??

Spoke to a relative in Ghana and she said the government reluctantly lifted the lockdown. She said they had to because people were dying of hunger. I asked her if she was being literal. She said yes because there are many people who work in order to have food for that day. If they don’t work they don’t have money for food for that day. The lockdown was 3 weeks so people died because they had not food during this time. The government tried to get food to some people but couldn’t reach everyone.. This was so tragic and horrifying. I was even more grateful for the things I’ve had. The only times I don’t it is if I forget or I have no appetite. It’s never due to a lack of food. In Toronto even if you can’t get healthy food, you can still get food. Food banks don’t have the healthiest food but it’s food. Even those 1 dollar soups you can buy. Riddled with sodium but it’s still food. Wow. I’m here ordering food from uber eats.. I can’t really cook right now because it’s very painful to stand.

So a positive thing that happened today which may seem like a negative. I was having “serious” side effects from an antidepressant. For these effects it advises you to contact your doctor as soon as possible. The effects that were the most concerning were issues with my eyes. I have blurred and double vision. One of the issues with the vision problems is that some can cause permanent damage.

My psychiatrist told me to discontinue the medication and some of the other side effects stopped. The pain in my eye drastically decreased but I still have the blurred and double vision. My psychiatrist said it would probably be difficult to get into an eye doctor. I mentioned it to my family doctor and he said he does not have the equipment to check the health of my eye and that I should go to a optometrist. Called mine and of course they hadn’t changed their voicemail and it did not give me the option of leaving a message. I checked his facebook business page. He had tons of youtube videos where he discussed social commentary.. Even footage of him using what seemed like expensive sound equipment. He had the time to do all that and couldn’t post 2 sentences that the clinic is closed??.. Annoying. I hate when things are avoidable and unnecessary I was already tired of his clinic because it basically became an assembly line. Sometimes I had to wait for an hour or more. He no longer had the time to see every person so randomly some other person you hadn’t met would come and check you eyes.. No introduction or explanation or anything. I was thoroughly annoyed.

So I went to Ontario College of Optometrist. That’s their regulatory body that governs everything they do and puts together protocol for Covid. So I checked for all of Toronto and Pickering. There were very few open during covid and it was only for urgent/emergency care. Most were only seeing existing patients. There was one I found that was taking non patients. It was in the next city over but only a 15 minute drive. I assumed he would have been very busy. He called me back the same day and scheduled me for the next day. Very kind and caring man. I like It because it’s a very small practice. He told me to get a form from my family doctor so that I wouldn’t have to pay. I really appreciated that. I was probably there for 2 hours he did every test in the book just to be thorough. I really appreciated that. He said my eyes were drastically out out of alignment. He ofsuspected it was the medication but not necessarily from the medication that was just discontinued. He said it could have been from one of the medications I’ve been on for longer.. or the combination of the 3 medications I”m on at once. He said I should wait a couple of months to see if it resolves itself once the medication is out of my system. If it does not go back to normal he will have to make a new prescription for my glasses including prisms. This fixes the problem. He had some prism lenses and tested them on me and it worked perfectly .

The good think about that clinic is it’s right by the lake. The customer service was amazing. The receptionist really knew what she was doing and warmed up out of her “work mode” once I made her laugh a couple of times. It was very important for the optometrist to be sure that I understood everything he said and the concepts he was presenting. Kept asking if I had any other questions. He does not know me!! I always have questions! He does not know what he was getting himself into lol, Very kind, caring, gentle, professional and knowledgeable man. So after covid I’m going to switch to him as my treating optometrist. So that was the positive that came out of covid today. Even though I ended up with a diagnosis I was treated like a human being. He did not make any ignorant comments about by having bipolar. You’d be surprised how many insensitive and ignorant things specialists say once they know I’m on lithium. Most people know lithium usually equals bipolar disorder.

All in all a good day.

Ultrasound for my thyroid tomorrow and an X-ray for my foot that his been consistently painful fo rover 2 weeks. My body is falling apart,

Have a wonderful week my lovelies. Stay safe. Practice social distancing yada yada.

Peace & Blessings,

AQ

The mishandling of Covid 19 and the Coronavirus

by N.A.Z., posted in coronavirus

Now I am aware that people have died from this virus that is very tragic and sad.. I do have a very warped and morbid sense of humour. But nothing I’m about to say is intended to minimize the loss of thousands of lives. I think it’s 4,000 worldwide. It’s a big number because the overall number of cases is somewhere around 238,000. That means that all the people who die, 20% die. Most of the people who have died have been elderly or had other underlying physical health conditions. I’m not saying that to imply that those people don’t matter (my grandma is in a nursing home and I was so relived when they called today to say they’re not accepting any visitors. Talk about a high risk population. Even my doctor said if she gets the flu, it could be her last flu. Damn. He didn’t have to say it like that,

I think the media and politicians did a piss poor job of handling it. I understand it’s a pandemic but that doesn’t mean you need to say it 137 times every single day and twice as many times on Sunday. Not every single article should contain the word pandemic. A lot of fear mongering which is completely counterproductive and unnecessary.

For the majority of people, 80% in fact, they will just recover from it like the flu. The masks I thought were ridiculous because it increased people’s anxiety and they’re basically useless. The virus can enter your body by any mucus membrane. Your eyes are a mucsus membrane and they’re usually open! It’s like you trying to secure your house and lock the front door and have state of the art locks and deadbolts, but you leave the back and side doors wide open. What the hell was the point of that?! Ridiculous. I laugh not because it’s funny but because it’s absolutely ridiculous. They could have put more effort in clearing an area where someone is know to have had it. The virus stays in the air for 3 hours! But no one’s really doing that.

And then people hoarding toilet paper and whatnot?!?! What about food and water? Hate to break it to you but if you have no food or water you will have no need for toilet paper! smdh. Do you really need 5 L/G of hand sanitizer?? How much sanitizing are you planning on doing? You basically have enough to last until 2050! Did you ever think that maybe, I don’t know, people other than you exist and they might need some tool

I think I missed something because there was reference to a 30 day period and having enough for that amount of time. But what happens after the 30 days?! The virus still exists is still spreading and there still is no vaccine or cure.. So what is the point of that? I must have missed something because that makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever,

When I went to the hospital the other day for an appointment, they didn’t even want to touch my health card.. They were like “just put it right there” like it was contaminated with the plague. Calm down people.. Just use gloves or something. It’s not that serious.. Well at least not as serious as everyone is making it. I do get that the fact that there’s no vaccine or cure it will continue to spread and the death toll will rise. That’s quite concerning, I get that. But the politicians and media I feel should do a better job at keeping us calm.

I called a 24 hour national distress line at 3am (for other issues that have no relation to covid 19.. I know you didn’t think there were any other issues in the world but that, but really there are) I was on hold a painfully long amount of time. If I hadn’t been ready to drink the cool aid at the beginning of the call the hold music surely would have done it! Humour is my coping mechanism.. I thought that was funny. Some probably don’t. I feel like when I’m depressed there’s nothing like some good ol suicide humour to lighten things up. My point was, I’m sure that they had an increase in the volume of callers because everyone is panicking about the covid 19.

So 4,000 deaths world wide for cover 19. 45,000 deaths to suicide per year in the US. 80,000 deaths due to diabetes. I really feel like we don’t have our priorities straight. There are illnesses that you are far more likely of dying of but no one is flocking to therapy or improving their eating habits and exercise. But this new thing that most healthy people will survive,, people are buying up the stores get 12 packages of toilet paper and tons of hand sanitizer, Where is that enthusiasm in taking care of your mental or physical health in general. Ridiculous fricken joke in my opinion. Again it’s not a joke that people are dying. But just in the way people are responding to it.. so a pandemic is a big deal, but the many epidemics that exist.. Not so much?

I feel sorry for people with allergies. They’ll sneeze and people will give them the side like “is sneezing a symptom?! I gotta google that so I can know if I should be hysterical right now” It might get you a seat on the train though (too soon?). That would suck if you got quarantined for having allergies.. like “aint this some bullshit! I swear my Benadryl just hasn’t kicked in yet.”

Anyway, that’s my 2 cents. I hope that everyone stays healthy and there is an end to this soon.

Have a lovely weekend my lovelies,

AQ

Why I Hate Valentine’s Day

by N.A.Z., posted in Health

**Trigger Warning**

To many, Valentine’s Day is a wonderful time of year. But to me it’s a horrible anniversary of one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me in my life. Believe me, that speaks volumes because my life has been absolutely horrible at times. I do acknowledge that it hasn’t all been horrible, but a lot of it was.

Someone I had just broken up with committed a horrible and violent act (I try to stay from using the “R” word but I’m sure it’s understood. Sorry if that triggered anyone) and as I was leaving he said “happy Valentine’s Day.”Really!?!?

So for most the words “happy Valentine’s Day” or “happy love day” as one friend said to me.. are lovely, but more often than not, they are incredibly triggering for me. Those words do not conjure up thoughts of love and happiness, rather nausea, anxiety, fear, a sense of being unsafe, confusion, racing heart beat, sweaty palms and flashbacks. When someone says those words in my mind I’m like “thanks, you just triggered me even though it’s totally not your fault because who would have guessed the horror I’ve been through. And that I easily could have died that day?” but I straighten my mask (that has practically adhered to my face by now,) and say “thanks same to you” rinse and repeat.

But it’s not just people saying it to me. Do you know how difficult it is when one of the worst and most frightening times of your life is marked by a commercial and international fuckin holiday?! Come on!! Really tho?! Displays in every store, commercials. I can’t even watch the women’s channel for the whole month of February because that’s the them of everything. I like the corny movies on the women’s network!! Don’t judge lol. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, emails. Like this toll highway even sent me an email with Valentine’s Day wishes. There’s no escaping it.

So how was my day yesterday? Triggering AF! Partially because I’m already struggling with depression mainly brought on by severe chronic physical pain, so I was too weak to put on my armour. I was all vulnerable and exposed. Dammit! I was ok last year. But Valentine’s Day was nowhere near where my trauma began. So obviously I started to think of many other traumatic things that resulted in my PTSD. I’m lying in bed because that’s the most comfortable I can be in terms of my physical pain, but it’s one of the worst things you can do for trauma or depression. So do I lie in bed to help my physical pain, or get up to help my emotional pain. Keeping in mind that an increase in physical pain feeds the depression. Hmmmm another Catch 22 how does one make a decision like that?? Why should one have to make a decision like that?! That’s my life people!

I hope everyone else had a happy Valentine’s Day! Love is a wonderful thing.. or so I’ve heard hahaha just kidding.

Have a wonderful weekend my lovelies,

AQ

Dangerous Work Environments in Mental Health and the Company Gives us a Rape Whistle as Protection?!

by N.A.Z., posted in Mental Health Field

I work in mental health and I want to start out by saying right now I’m not talking about safety from the clients. It’s the dangerous neighbourhoods and buildings we have to enter to visit said clients that are the issue. For some of the buildings there are stupid rules like “that building has a lot of shootings and violence so just don’t go after 3pm” Da Fuk?!?! How about we don’t go into that building at all?!?! Like bullets can’t fly before 3pm?!? Are you smoking the crack we advise out clients not to smoke?! Must be..

Then to prepare us they make us take a mandatory course where they teach us de-escalation techniques which makes sense. But the thing that gets me is they teach us this stance so we can move away quickly. We’re not allowed to use and real self defence that could hurt the client or whoever.. but at least we know the stance to get away quickly (that comment was filled with sarcasm and disdain in case you missed it).. and if we don’t get away quickly enough we have the rape whistle with the company logo on it so we can play a soundtrack as we bleed out on the floor.. Are you kidding me?! Not allowed to use tasers (I think they’re illegal unless you’re law enforcement) no pepper spray either.. I think it’s banned.

We visit clients by ourselves. Many of my friends and family were shocked at this. Even Jehovah’s witnesses travel in pairs and they rarely if ever go inside the home. Safety in in numbers people.

I was attacked by a client once and it really triggered my PTSD (that I already had). The next day when I went to work they acted like they cared but quickly had me sign something saying I would not take legal action against the company. I was so confused. Hadn’t even thought about that and didn’t know what my rights were.. I was still messed up from the day before. My whole body was shaking and I could barely hold the pen. They were doing what they needed to do for liability issues but I thought that was messed up. Then the other slap in the face. I was denied long term disability because I had a “pre-existing” condition. Ain’t that some bullshit?! Someone recently told me I had a valid case and could have appealed. The same agency that’s like if you have lived experience (with a mental illness) we welcome you to apply.. I guess the part they don’t say is if you relapse with said mental illness you’re on your own.. Deuces!!!

That being said my coworkers are phenomenal and compassionate, skilled group of individuals. Always willing to answer my questions (and I have many). Always willing to help out their fellow coworkers. We are all compassionate about helping the clients but unfortunately there are so many political, system and administrative issues that make it more difficult for us to do that. It’s the clients that suffer. I just want to help people dammit. Why is it so hard?!

Anyway I’ve learned so much! I have a degree in psychology but this work has really enriched my knowledge about mental health and the system. The “wonderful” system.

Sometimes there’s just not enough time to do everything. If you want to spend quality time with clients sometimes you just don’t take a break. That is not enforce the company but the time has to come from somewhere. That being said I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world but sometimes you have to recognize your limitations and when it’s time to move on from something. When I heard so of the married workers at the agency saying they were so exhausted by the time they got home they couldn’t even get off the couch or interact with their spouse or children. That’s not ok for me.. That is not a life I want.

So I will always be grateful for the experiences, opportunity and privilege of working with and getting to know the clients. But I really gotta keep it moving.

Have a great weekend my lovelies,

AQ

Why do some of my doctors seem like they graduated from clown college?!?! My life is riddled with catch 22s..

by N.A.Z., posted in Health

Where to begin? I have back problems and I’m supposed to see a neurosurgeon. Apparently there’s only 1 neurosurgeon in Canada because you can wait over a year to see one. For those of you who are not from Canada, that was an exaggeration. There is definitely more than one but the wait is soooooo long it feels like there’s only 1.

So I had to have a CT scan of my spine before I can even see the neurosurgeon. The summary that I got back was very poorly written with a lot of grammatical errors.. because apparently he went to the same clown college as many other specialists I’ve seen. Basically it said there was nothing surgical. My family doctor said the neurosurgeon might not even agree to see me from those results because surgeons… like to do surgery. Then he asked if anyone had been following my scoliosis (spinal fusion, rod, screws, hooks, constant pain for 30 years.. and I’m only 40, degenerative disc disease, Costochondritis and osteoarthritis). So again.. my family doctor of over 20 years asks me who’s following my scoliosis. I said no one (because it was my family doctor that should have set that up and I didn’t even know someone was supposed to be following it). I asked “who is supposed to be following my scoliosis” to which he replied “a neurosurgeon”. What?!?! You just told me the neurosurgeon will probably not see me because I’m non surgical… but I’m supposed to have him follow my scoliosis.. but he won’t see me because I’m non surgical?! Did he actually hear the words that came out of his mouth?! Yup! Another clown college graduate! Catch 22.

So I have a lot of inflammation in my back to the point where specialists can see the inflammation. Hmmmm an anti inflammatory would be very helpful.. oh wait.. can’t have those because they interact with the lithium I take for my bipolar disorder. All the specialists are like “you can’t take anti inflammatories?!?!?!? Wow that’s so unfortunate because it’s so bad I can see the inflammation.. what a predicament” another catch 22. In what world was what they said at all helpful or supportive? Clown college.

I have cystic acne from the lithium I have to take. But, yay I can’t take any of the acne medications or antibiotics because of the very lithium that’s causing the damn acne in the first place. Catch 22

I’m in severe constant pain. Hmmm maybe pain killers would be helpful.. wait only opiates and narcotics work and they trigger my mental health episodes and that’s why I was hospitalized the last time after 10 years of stability. So really?! I have to make a choice between pain relief and sanity?! Are you kidding me?! Who should ever have to make a choice like that? Catch 22

I’m in so much pain I spend 20 hours lying down in bed. I also have depression from burnout from work and the physical pain. But wait.. what’s one of the worst things you can do if you have depression??.. lying in bed all day.. but I have to or I suffer in a severe way. Catch 22.

The other thing is, my psychiatrist has been on medical Leave since August 2019!!! I hope he’s ok and all but what a time to go! What about my needs. Just kidding. I worry about him so much because I have no idea what’s wrong. Been with him 15 years so he knows my whole life. Some of my family. I really get the feeling he’s never coming back so I won’t even get to say goodbye and tell him how wonderful and life saving he’s been.

Wow. I know there are more catch 22s but I can’t remember because that’s another side effect of my medication. Hahahaha. So I spend a lot of time laughing to myself at the sheer absurdity of it all and then I just look like the “crazy” girl laughing to herself and it makes me laugh harder.

Even through it doesn’t seem like it I do try to find an upside to a situation. I’m glad I can’t take prescription narcotics or opiates because they’re addictive. A substance abuse issue is something I’m glad is not one of my issues because I’ve seen it destroy people’s lives. Also the anti inflammatories you can’t take for long periods of time because they destroy your stomach lining. Who wants that? Plus when I had that morphine pump in the hospital for my surgery I liked it a little too much and I’m glad I didn’t have access to more. It felt realllllllllly good. I was 13 at the time and I sensed it was potentially dangerous. Like I will never forget how wonderful a feeling it gave me. It did give me nightmares of being chased by giant killer bees though. Still afraid of bees because I’ve never been stung so how do I know I’m not going to have an anaphylactic reaction until it happens?!?!

Also for some reason I have exessive thirst. Like I can easily drink 4 L or a gallon of water and be so thirsty like I haven’t had water in days. The doctors response to this is blaming it on the dry mouth that’s caused by my medications. There other response is “maybe you have diabetes because high blood sugar can cause excessive thirst”. Ok that actually makes sense. So they proceeded to repeatedly test my blood sugar at least 7 times since the summer of 2018. Ok guys.. I think we know what’s NOT cause the excessive thirst. It ‘s not diabetes. I don’t know.. maybe you could try testing for…. I don’t know… something other than diabetes? I mean that medical text book is huge.. there must be something else you can test for. Clown college graduates again. Here’s a clue IT’s NOT DIABETES!!! The other thing with the water consumption is I have to drink a lot of water and try not to get dehydrated or I could get what’s called lithium toxicity. Oh yes the lithium I’ve been taking to help me for 15 years is literally toxic (and can ruin your kidneys). If the levels get too high in your system (from not drinking enough water) you can get what’s called lithium toxicity and actually die! Oh great! That does wonders for my anxiety. But the catch 22 is my doctor said if I drink too much water it can dilute the lithium and decrease it’s effects! What?! I have excessive thirst! I continuously feel like I haven’t had water in weeks I’m so thirsty. And now you’re telling me to limit my water intake but just make sure I have enough so I don’t die?! This is literally insane!!!!! (Just an aside I feel I should be able to reclaim the words crazy and insane like some people have done with another word starting with “N” that Becky and Bret can’t say. But I can. I’ll leave it at that.

I worry about a lot of things (generalized anxiety disorder) but that’s another story for another post.

So there we have it! There are so many other things I’m dealing with it’s ridiculous. And I really laugh sometimes. My grandmother always used to “it’s better to laugh than to cry”

Have a wonderful weekend my lovelies. Be kind because you never know what someone is going through. Depression can hide behind the brightest smiles.

AQ